The Coward
by pinkperson
Summary: Laguna has always been afraid. But what will he do when he's on the edge of a cliff, caught between life and death?


I stood on the edge of the cliff, arms hanging limply at my sides as the wind washed over my wet face and sore body, cleansing me and freeing me from my sins. And, God, did I have a lot.

As I watched the sun slowly set, I felt my stomach rumble. I nearly laughed through my tears at the thought of being hungry at a time like this. I sure as hell wasn't thirsty, at least.

I didn't even know why I was crying. It couldn't be because I was afraid. I'd let go of my fear of death long ago. Or so I thought.

Something many people don't know about me is that I take myself more seriously than they think. I'm normally a carefree and happy-go-lucky guy, that's true; it's in my nature. However, I'm also a thinker, and thinkers tend to be on the depressed side. I have my moments where I feel less than ecstatic about life. I sometimes stand on a bridge and wonder if I should just end it all here and now. This is not the first time I've thought about suicide.

As faithful as Kiros and Ward are, death is my closest friend. He was in every fellow soldier I'd betrayed. Every man I killed.

The woman I abandoned.

He'd stand by my side, pat my back, and tell me to separate myself from it, to not get too attached. Death is a part of life, he'd say. Saying goodbye is not a bad thing. I'd tell Death that I can't do that, I can't separate myself because I'm too damn scared.

I'm a scaredy cat. But that's something everyone knows about me.

I trembled as a particularly cold gust of wind hit me, nearly making me breathless. I shut my eyes and wavered slightly, not caring if I accidentally tumbled over the edge.

 _Why would it matter if I died?_

I opened my eyes and stared blankly ahead of me, vaguely aware of the orange-pink glow of the sky as the sun set.

 _Why would it matter?_

I shook my head, choked on a bitter chuckle as it rose up my throat. I hadn't laughed in months. Not since…

I raised my hands to my face, covering it, crushing it within my grip. I couldn't do this. Not now.

The memories cascaded forward anyway.

Her serious, brooding eyes. Her annoyance with my baby-talk. Her amused smile when she'd see me put my hair up into a ponytail. Her…

Her everything.

I fell to my knees and let the tears slide down my face. They were warm, but not at all comforting. I smiled through them and began to laugh again, this time in a higher pitch. I wasn't in the state of mind to care about how I looked or sounded, though. For all I knew, I was the only person in the world right now.

In a way, maybe I was.

Nothing tasted the same anymore. The apples that sat on the table were left to rot or were eaten by Kiros or Ward. They were the same apples that Raine and I would rinse in the sink before taking bites out of them. Smiling at each other. Jokingly praising one another for eating healthy.

I'd kill to have just one more apple with her.

I'd…

I'd do anything.

My body tightened painfully as I shut my eyes again, relived memories of her. They lived on in me even though I had only a few photos of her, photos I hesitated to share with anyone. She was so special to me. She was the sun of my days, the moon of my nights. She made everything special.

I miss her teasing. I miss it so much.

I don't know what's happened to me since she died. I don't feel like the same person anymore. Honestly, I wonder how she'd react, what she would say if she saw me right now. Collapsed on the edge of a cliff in ragged, dirty clothes, with unwashed hair, and an aged and twitchy face. I could almost imagine her standing in front of me, as insane as it sounds...Maybe I am going insane.

I could imagine her standing in front of me in that darn yellow turtleneck of hers with that cute yellow headband, her hands on her hips as she rolls her eyes at me. Tells me that I'm being a drama queen. That I need to move on and forget about her. She'd tell me that I need to focus on myself and make myself happy. If I worry about her, I'll never find another woman. She'd say something like that.

Because she was the kindest person.

I miss her so much. I just wish I didn't have to fail her like this. I wish, if she's watching me from somewhere, that she didn't have to see me like this. I wish she didn't have to see me drunk...I drank a little before coming out here, something I rarely do. The last time I drank was on my birthday with friends. I know she would disapprove of me going against my morals. She knows I hate seeing others get drunk, much less getting drunk myself.

I guess I've just been thinking too much. The mind really is a dangerous thing. I can only hope that I overcome it.

 _Just...just pray for me, Raine. That's all I ask. And I'll keep doing the same for you._


End file.
